While my bed-time reading sometimes includes the DSM-IV (Diagnosis Criteria for Mental Disorders) I had previously paid scant attention to those descriptions of the disorder known as Kleptomania.
I was led to investigation by a sequence of events at my workplace and my home. At first a number of “special” cups disappeared from work, I don’t know how many exactly. I was made aware of two only because the victims pursued the event, one of them almost vigilante style. The stolen pair were perfect specimens; one a beautifully feminine clear glass tea cup, the other a hunky brushed-chrome coffee mug. I don’t know if the perpetrator stole only the gorgeous items, but everything else in the cupboard is ugly, chipped and rank and I never noticed any of them missing. Once questioned, the items were apologetically returned, the events passed off as carelessness.
Having made a lighthearted issue of the thefts, I invited the perpetrator, Magpie, to my house for a party. It was a small, wickedly drunken event where I managed enough sense to go to bed early rather than pass out in the garden. Almost a week later, Magpie advised me that he had taken a glass of mine, a tumbler, and would return it soon. Left in the giddy, exaggerated world of girlish intrigue and anticipation, I wondered if maybe he had removed the item from my home only to have an excuse to come back. I was brought back to earth when I recalled that previous victims included an aggressive, middle aged, former US Military Police Officer with a bad dye job. Rather than flirting with charms I might exhibit, he was likely just flirting with getting-away-unnoticed. And I didn’t notice.
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The issue of sexuality raised, I referred to William A. Spriggs brief and poorly written 1998 article, Gender Differences in the DSM-IV: an Observation from an Evolutionary Perspective. From this I learned almost nothing except his observation that Kleptomania is predominant amongst women. More interesting, I am certain, would be a study comparing Kleptomaniacs by country. Magpies seeking shiny things would surely find, for instance, the European appliances more desirable than their North American counterparts. For many, many reasons, a vacuum in North America is an overweight and characterless lump, while a vacuum in Italy is a rocket-styled accessory.
My Magpie is a colleague and, while professional distance might dictate that I should not, I will find it hard to refrain from asking him the following defining questions, paraphrased from the DSM-IV:
Are you unable to resist the impulse to steal, even if the object is not needed for personal use or monetary value? Answer YES if a Klepto.
Do you experience tension immediately before committing theft? Answer YES if a Klepto.
Do you experience pleasure at the time of committing the theft? Answer YES if a Klepto.
Is the stealing an expression of anger of vengeance? Answer NO if a Klepto.
Is stealing a result of another personality disorder? Answer NO if a Klepto.
Dear Reader, should you see yourself exhibiting the traits above, you will be pleased to know that you can be treated by chemical means with almost any one of the SSRI’s (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors) available. Lithium is also an option, and a cheaper one at that. The only side effects of course are the complete loss of your personality, physique and sexual ambitions. I declare thievery the winner.
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Learn to love me
Assemble the ways Now, today, tomorrow and always My only weakness is a list of crime My only weakness is ... well, never mind, never mind - The Smiths, "Shoplifters of the World Unite" |
The crimes of Magpie, those I have witnessed, become tittering anecdote. They are charming to us in the same way as a hamster with his cheeks full of spoils. Negative consequences for him, as he confided to me, have been eviction from a restaurant in Belgium and a mild lecture from his supervisor on handling company property. Kleptomaniac or merely man-with-a-fondness I don’t yet know. But what’s the big deal either way? View him in comparison to most others; I’m certain most of us can quickly identify with “My only weakness is ... well, never mind, never mind. ”