08.13.2004

-----Original Message-----
From: Ditto Much
Sent: Friday, August 13, 2004 3:02 PM
To: Recipient List Suppressed
Subject: For Sale: Revenge

Do you need revenge?

Suffer from divorce or infidelity?

Have an ex who needs to be reminded of the pain they caused you?

Well have I got the solution for you. Yes, four bags of rotten festering eggs and meat with not one but two kinds of rancid mayo. For $500 I'll dump it on his car, for $750 on his lawn and for the low cost of $1000 I can deposit it on his or her balcony up to 4 stories high.


----------The story behind it----------------

A most disgusting experience.

Okay so I pretty much figured I had seen and smelt the worst stuff on Earth already but last night is a new winner. Last night after 9pm I got this call from a frantic sounding young women asking for my name. Going against passed rules and judgment I accepted that she was in fact asking for me and not my evil twin brother Jose. Turns out she was my sister's neighbor and friend and that she was trying to track my sister down. Unfortunately I don't know where I am most days of the week, and my sister could be in China for all I know - we generally don't keep each other appraised.

So Bianaca (sister's friend) explained what had happened.

My sister and her husband left town sometime around Saturday or Sunday. Since then, at some point, their fridge and freezer had blown. Being that they are such good citizens, they had their air conditioner turned off while they were gone. So their entire fridge and freezer had now finally blown the seal and it evidently smelled like Armageddon. The landlord was nowhere to be found but thankfully, being that Bianaca and my sister are friends and neighbors, she had keys.
I got to my sister's house to clean this thing out about 30 minutes later. And from 30 feet away I could already smell it. I can honestly say I just wasn't prepared for the sheer degree of scent. I was having gag reflexes already and I wasn't even at the door that leads upstairs to her apartment. Her neighbors (B & W) had come downstairs and already collected all the cleaning products. So into the apartment we went.

I could see a puddle coming from the fridge. And the entire kitchen felt warm, like 30°C plus humidity warm. The puddle looked about the size of a pitcher, having been tossed on the ground. It was thick and looked like a paste.

Well that's as far as I got before I had to find some air.

Got back inside the kitchen and prepped for the horror that awaited. After a solid plugging of the nose, I opened the freezer. A week before this happened, I would have picked my sister's fridge as one of the best in the city to raid - the woman has EVERYTHING and its all neatly packaged, labeled and pre-prepared. But with the freezer open, I saw something that even Fear Factor can't possibly approach. I think the genes of the salmon had become spliced with the chicken breasts because the Ziploc bags had pretty much melted together. There was every form of rotting meat you can possibly imagine and just to keep the vegetarians happy another dozen zip lock bags of prepared dishes, most of them already exploding their contents. The stench was indescribable.

Thus ended round two, once again I laid on her lawn. Mr. Wolf I most definitely am not, and trying to hold back my stomach just doesn't seem to make any sense now.

So then the reality that I had to bag all of this and clean this thing out finally set into me; back in like the good little soldier I went, running. I can honestly say that this stench could be an effective weapon; I'm going to patent it some day. With double bag garbage bag in hand I again opened the fridge and in went my arms. There is no way to describe what it is like to put your arms into something that is both gooey and cottony at the same time, but piece by piece, bag bybag, it went from the freezer to the garbage bag. You'd think by now I would be desensitized to the smell, but once and only once I forgot to not breath with my nose and I assure you it was still so pungent as to make me once again have to run for air.

I would like to now thank my brother-in-law. There was a time when there was only wine in my sister's home. But already by this point I had 'liberated' a 40 of vodka. Once again I must say you are a proud addition to our family!!

So finally I got the courage to open the actual fridge, now the great debate. My sister has more condiments than I have food. I honestly didn't know anyone under the age of 60 could pack so much shit into a fridge. You know all the egg spots in your fridge, every single one had an egg in it, there were multiple kinds of mustard, not one or two, no, like an entire selection of them, hell I was pulling out cans that I couldn't even identify. The puddle on the floor had grown to the size of a human body, I'd managed to pretty much fill 4 double garbage bags with some of the most pungent matterknown to man.

As an aside, Matt, the beer selection was fantastic and once again I think you for the Red Bull!! Christ I'm about as proud of your collection as you must have been. Kisses from your new brother...

So all this and than I actually washed out her fridge and cleaned the floor. Would you believe that you can actually do this in about 20 minutes if you work your ass off.

I have never experienced (including living as a farmer) a stench of that level in my life. When you get back on Saturday, dear ole sis, you may want to think about a new apartment because yours is now tainted.