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They always come in three's. That's the rule of the dead pool. Three is the magic number. For instance, recently... Bob Hope, Katherine Hepburn, Gregory Hines. Boom - three. That was going to be the ace up my sleeve. You see, I had high hopes of becoming flush with greenbacks at what was going to become my new online hangout - PolicyAnalysisMarket.org. PAM had been approved by retired Admiral John Poindexter. You might remember Poindexter as Ronald Reagan's National Security Advisor. Or you might remember Poindexter as the bagman for the Iran-Contra arms deal. Or you might also remember Poindexter as the lucky dog who managed to get away with being convicted (overturned) of one count of criminal conspiracy in the obstruction of congressional inquiries and proceedings, false statements, falsification, destruction and removal of documents; two counts of obstruction of Congress and two counts of false statements. Or maybe you remember Poindexter as that coiffed party animal who sang, "Feelin' Hot Hot Hot." Oh well, three out of four ain't bad. Last year, POTUS hired Poindexter to lead the Information Assurance Office at the DOD's Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency, calling him, "an outstanding citizen who has done a very good job in what he has done for our country." (See the previous paragraph for a list of things that Poindexter has done for his country.) At the IAO, Poindexter began work on Total Information Awareness (now called Terrorism Information Awareness), a less-than-friendly moniker for a computerized version of Big Brother. One slice of Poindexter's pie was to be Policy Analysis Market, a futures market which would attempt to predict events in the Middle East such as assassinations, terrorist attacks and "regime changes." But then those contrarian bastard Democrats got in the way. Standing up for all of cash-strapped Oregon, Senator Ron Wyden called PAM "morally questionable" and "dubiously useful." Senator Byron Dorgan of the incredibly intelligent state of North Dakota called PAM "incredibly stupid." An editorial in the Protestant-controlled New York Times referred to Poindexter as "wacky" and called for his resignation. It seemed the only man man enough to stand up for PAM was Lou Dobbs, the morally bankrupt hostasaurus of CNN's MoneyLine. Then it all went to pat. Last week, Poindexter announced his resignation, effective at the end of the month, and PAM has since been shut down. The only remnant of PAM exists in its parody site, AmericanActionMarket.org. AAM was launched by "a consortium of computer scientists, political scientists and sociologists from some of the leading laboratories, institutes and universities worldwide" who by not identifying themselves prove to be too chickenshit to take responsibility for their spot-on criticism of PAM. AAM is intended to function the same way as its inspiration; but rather than predicting the future of Middle Eastern geopolitical maneuvering, it will attempt to predict the future of White House foreign policy scenarios. Gamblers can hedge their bets on such hard-hitting questions such as:
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